Today I am sad. I am a happy person and do feel that happiness is a choice, that does not mean however that I cannot feel sad sometimes. Most of my sadness is coming from physical pain and my frustration because of it. To a certain extent I am without control of my own life. I have had back problems as long as I have been an adult. I find it frustrating that I have to live like this. I am only 30 years old and yet today I could barely stand to wash my dishes and strip my bed. It took me 3 hours to wash 1 sink of dishes. I usually do not tell anyone about this if I can help it. I do not want to dwell on the bad or complain to others. My husband is the only one who has any idea of what I am going through, but even then, I do not want to complain or cause him more stress and seldom let him see if I have a choice.
I did not sleep last night as I could not find a comfortable position. I did not get to fulfil my promise to a friend to help them landscape their yard today. I am not sure how long I can keep my job, financially contribute to my household, be a good wife, carry home my groceries, even hold a friend's new baby! I spent the last hour crying and thinking of all the ways my physical form has let me down in the past. I feel like my mind belongs in another body. I am not ready to accept this physical form which has limited me from the day I was born with various states of pain.
Doing anything physical will always have some repercussion for me. I am so young and yet my 80 something year old grandfather-in-law is more physically able than I am. Therefore I am sad. I see no future for myself as every job that I have had for the last 3 years has ended in my back pain stopping me. For a person with no qualifications or education, physical jobs are all there are for me. I need to be able to stand for long periods, lift, move and be depended upon. I just do not know how much longer I can go on like this. Over the last 2 years it has been a good day if I am vertical for 6 hours.
Currently I am being treated by a wonderful Chiropractor who has changed my life beyond measure. I am so grateful for this in my life. It is giving me hope but now with this set back and a day spent in helplessness I feel lost again. I wonder how much longer I will have to live with this pain and restriction? I am not sure I have the courage to keep trying for a future when the barrier in front of me is something that I cannot triumph over with simple determination.
Currently I am praying for the lesson to come forward and for the physical healing to finally take place.
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